I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
