Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
