I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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