Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
