Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just gargled with NyQuil
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
