Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
