How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
