His pubic hair was longer than his dick
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
