don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It's official drugs can't kill me
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
