i think my tv is drunk
Where did you get a picture of my penis
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Randomize
