I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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