Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
