Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
