tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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