ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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