If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
