with your own penis?
I think my fart just growled at me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
