return my video game
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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