you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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