: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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