I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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