Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
