Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
