Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
