dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
