this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
