I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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