So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
