Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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