I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
