For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
