I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
