If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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