it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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