turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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