So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
