every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
