so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
