margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
