community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Someone shattered a urinal.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
