ya dads aren't the best wingmen
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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