No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
