Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
