I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
