His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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