I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
sarcasm needs its own font
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
