What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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