if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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