i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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