someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
