I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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